i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
Her dress is practically falling off. It must know I'm here.
he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
just remind me when i get fired soon that august is the month i started pregaming work
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
Love is....waiting for your girl to throw up her shot in the bathroom...then handing her her beer. Game face.
MASS TEXT: Lets start a new tradition. Black Friday log pic contest. I'm waiting.
He walked away from the girl that just blew him to hook up with another girl, and when she got pissed he just turned around and screamed, "SHE IS LIKE 10X HOTTER THAN YOU!" Then she went on an angry dick sucking rampage. There were 4 victims.
There is a direct correlation between gooch size and male fertility. Science.
I just gotta say that I feel so much better now that I got some. I mean I feel like a normal functioning adult ready to contribute to society.
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
You should of known that i was high if i refer to myself as melting into anything
Randomize
