I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
Dude ! Why is there vomit with whole pieces of sushi in the shower when the toilet is not more than 2 feet away ? btw you need to chew your food better,
Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
battery dying...get laid and text me after...or during...its whatever.
remind me in the morning to get the random kid out of the closet and to clean the pudding off the wall
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
I'm going to make him fall in love with me one blow job at a time.
How's dating the med student working out for you?
After we had sex last night he showed me where my spleen was.
A true anatomy project.
At first I was horrified but then he explained that he shave a "soul patch" on his balls... And I was still horrified, but I went with it.
I really don't know where my pants are, but that's not the problem. When are you going to unlock the door?
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
You told his date she had the tits to be a stripper and the personality to be the pole. Of course he's pissed off.
Dude, I'm pretty sure I just drank iced tea last night and yet I'm still hungover. What the fuck is my body anymore ?
Randomize
