yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
She is wasted and this random lady got her to suckle milk from her tit
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
But there's never enough margarita money.
This is going to be one of those situations where we lose a day, isn't it
She sent me a pic wearing only my batman cape. She stole my cape dude!
I had to get my boss birth control a work today. I knew going to ASU would come in handy in my career someday.
You were yelling at the mannequin and saying "DON'T LOOK AT ME"
What exactly is it about Doctor Who thigh high socks with a matching shirt that says "take me I'm yours!"
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
Getting blackout drunk infront of my family was never on my bucket list, but now that I've done it I'm cool with it.
I had such a bad bruise on my knees from blowing him so much, he asked if he could sign it...
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