I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
where does the pee come out of this thing
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
I was so hungover that I had to stop in the middle of the game and throw up. The fans cheered.
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
It was a perpetual wrestle for who got to be on bottom. Laziest hookup ever.
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
Can we just get drunk and watch the Birdcage please I have no tolerance for straight men today
Woke up at noon, still drunk, naked, with another girl next to me. When she wakes up, I'm gonna have my SECOND lesbian experience with her. How's your 2015 going?
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
Randomize
