i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
She's like a coupon for free blow jobs. No purchase necessary.
I'm at the bass pro shop. They have a river full of trout and turtles, a shooting range, a full bar, and the patriots cheerleaders are here. I now understand why people are rednecks. I may never leave
Dude, somewhere around here makes 4loko slushies. I just decided coming home isn't so bad.
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
He dared me to drink a bottle of olive oil in exchange for a 30 pack... So much for loosing the freshman fifteen this year.
he found cum stains on my sheets and all i could blurt out was "better on the sheets than in me"
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
That is NOT what pussyfooting around means. Try that again with your toe and I break it off.
I don't know what happened this summer, I've lost my sense of morality. All I do now is work, get drunk, and have sex near national landmarks.
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
I keep track of what day of the week it is by my recent destinations on my nav system. \nRight now it's: booty call, bar, booty call, brunch, bar, church so that must mean we are getting close to Sunday when we start the rotation all over again.
I just had all of the sex. All of it.
Randomize
