the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
'Watching yourself cry on Photobooth' is the new 'watching yourself cry in the mirror.'
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
I just power puked in the office bathroom.. blew blood vessels in my eyes and now I'm ready for a donut.... success
i just deleted him from my phone. and yes... I did just text you this from less than 20 feet away.
I'm not judging.. I sure as hell am not getting out of my bed to come talk to you about this. but i support your decision
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
Like please, take your microdick and try to stick it someplace else. It is not welcome in my world.
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
We tried to do sophisticated last night, but our low class kept shining through.
Beer and xanax may be a bad combo, but I don't really care due to the beer and the xanax.
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
how drunk are you?
Several
Randomize
