Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
Stop everything. They have oreo straws to drink milk with and then you eat the straw. I think i just got turned on by a cookie commercial.
Sweater Vest, Chin Strap, Beard, sporting a white Beret- Please don't ever let me be THAT guy.
hey can i play with your boom stick tonite? I'll let you shoot the love of jesus in my face.
come over
sorry for allegedly lighting the beer pong balls of fire
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
She just gave me a free latte.
Correction. She just have you a frothy, creamy path to that vagina.
But seriously he was like a god with his hands. My vagina feels annointed.
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
all i know is there's a picture on my phone of him wearing my purple sweatpants and licking the bottom of my foot.
One last thing: he lists glow sticks and tacos as things he can't live without. How would we not be friends??
I just got a job offer for Australia. Unfortunately I have given the name of Whitney
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
Randomize
