do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
he came up my nose again i swear he does this just to piss me off
I have come to the conclusion that if you don't fulfill your life ambitions you should go into porn
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
Girl your like that last load of laundry... I'll do you eventually just not tonight.
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
This is love.
Which part? The alcoholic cupcakes or the lesbian st paddys day party?
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
Watching a guy masturbate in real time is a lot less theatrical than porn had me to believe.
Your life is quite full of dick lately.
It really is!
after stripping the bed and soaking it with the "pet spot remover" I have, I decided in the best interest of my mattress and our drunk friends bladders, i should invest in rubber sheets.
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
Going to give your dick a friendship bracelet.
Stop trying to mix nacho cheese and sex. Guys don’t want hot cheese near their junk. Pick a better fetish
Randomize
