I've decided through careful research we can out drink any country folk.
Found her laying down in a booth in iHop. She's a keeper.
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
well, I suppose if I had to pick a penis to represent the american public, yours would be it
The goblet must only be used for good. And vodka. And anything t-pain would be proud of.
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
I WANNA SUCK HIS DICK ON A BOAT
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
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