the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
Astroglide: It's like Bengay for your ass.
sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
I think i just made eye contact with his roommate... while doing reverse cowgirl. Yup i have no shamee
There will be bowls smoken and not a single fuck will be given.
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
Randomize
