I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
I am growing concerned with the number of people here in cowboy hats
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
just tried to pee in the sink at wendys...need to stop letting my drunk habits get into my sober life
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
I hope you don't have to start the day explaining to me how you failed to turn "Can I practice my belly dancing in your apartment" into all night sex.
He broke into my house just to tell me the door was locked.
Lets play a game called: how out of it are you today? Let me know if you can beat driving on the wrong side of the road twice and walking up two extra flights of stairs just because you weren't paying attention to what floor you are on....
So... I woke up on a bench with a honey bun on my chest.
You're never the same once you're dry humped on the frat house floor
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
she threw up on her exam, awkwardly wiped it off with her sleeve and continued writing.
Ok, you agree to the terms? We can have sex, but this doesn't mean we're back together...it just means we're working on things. Got it? Sign here.
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
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