I bet there is no greater pleasure in life than pistol whipping people.
Anal.
I could make wine with my vomit
i wanna make it FB official so he cant fuck anyone else. but that means i can't fuck anyone else either. CONUNDRUM
after a few more beers I realized that both my wife and I like Latin men.
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
We had sex and then he fed me pie. This is the best friends-with-benefits situation ever.
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
He barely got in the door before she began to shriek like a banshee and punch him. His rainbow wig is still hanging from the front porch as a "warning to all other clowns".
HE STARTED HUMMING THE THEME TO STAR WARS!! WHILE I'M SUCKING HIS DICK!!
RAAAAAAAAWWWWRRRRRR
THATS ME HOWLING MY ENJOYMENT OF THE THINGS WE CAN DO WHILE GETTING DRUNK
Oh fuck, I'm officially a cougar..he's got the same name as my grandson
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
my dad walked in on me peeing into the trashcan in our kitchen last night at like 2am. wtf
I'm too hungover to Google him and try to save face.
Randomize
