Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
I should be sponsored by Trojan
It was unlikely that the relationship was going to end with anything other than antibiotics.
So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
I still have a little drunk in my system
tinder day one and i already had more guys message me about "the girl with the big tits in my second picture" than about me. MY 17 YEAR OLD SISTER CAN GET LAID WITHOUT EVEN HAVING TO MAKING A PROFILE
to be fair she does have a great rack
I need an honest answer, no judgements. Would it make me a bad person if I fucked the other twin?
my near death experience doubled as my sexual awakening
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
Randomize
