I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
It was laundry day and I was wearing last xmas undies. he took one look and went...you's a ho, ho, ho. my response you ask? for less dough, dough, dough. I'm a slut.
with a sacreligious after taste.
You taught me that having a dip while u shit is awesome. I appreciate u for that
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
And all I wanted you to do is stand there and sing who let the dogs out.
And he was super vague about his life, it was frustrating. I totally boned a homeless guy, didn't I?
Besides. I seriously had a dream that George W Bush came over and slapped some tabs down on my kitchen counter and said "let's get juiced.". It was a sign to not get too fucked up
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
he told me to take care of him and then he asked me to walk him to his hotel. I already have a pussy. I don't need another one
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
My apologies. I'll try not to let my dick interfere with official work duties in the future.
I'm not real sure what dinosaurs sound like, but dude, she made dinosaur noises.
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