note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
note to self..putting cheap vodka in a bottle of grey goose does not make it taste better
Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
I'm taking this break up pretty rough.. I've never been to sad to masturbate.
He makes me wish my vagina was bigger... This must be what love feels like.
he definitely had sex before you were fully potty trained.
remind to leave next time the words "tequila" and "challenge" are shouted
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
styled my pubes into a mustache as a surprise. Thought you should know
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
I heard moaning and ass slapping and sponge bob.
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
You haven't lived until you have fucked while Fantasia is on
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