She went from zero to smokin in five shots
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
Ive never seen someone more dtf than a soaking wet drunk girl who stumbles into your backyard.
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
I know this request is pointless but you two please try to keep the drinking and drug use to a minimal, I have bail money so write my number on your arm and a "if found call", wear a life jacket and act like a responsible 28 year old please.
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
First day back to class and I have already pulled out the hard liquor
You were yelling at the mannequin and saying "DON'T LOOK AT ME"
He has a bear rug in his room. I'm going to ask if we can have sex on it. Wilderness sex.
Teacher vividly described one of the times he did shrooms, sat down, sighed, and told everyone to go do drugs and let us out 15 minutes into class. I love community colleges
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