I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
the best job he will get is a sex ed teacher in alabama
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
Whales. Broccoli little trees giant. Magic in cat form. I want my loco and juice. Black in shower. Brb remember life.
Guess whose mug shot is NOT on the Internet anymore?!?!
First of all you can never say anal too much. Second I now think you're a total gentleman.
Rarely has that paragraph ever been put together
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
She has the best kind of daddy issues
what is considered shitting yourself?
Like my underwear wasn't soiled, but there was definitely a departure from my asshole.
dude you know how i got totally hammered and lost my phone at some frat when i came to visit you two months ago? yeah well someone mailed it back to me in minnesota.. with a picture of a cock as the screen savor
I just saw a girl on the phone crying and eating a sandwich. Thats talent right there.
my face feels like mints and my body feels like tingles
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