that drag queen yelled at him and touched me to make him jealous and said things like this is what a real man feels like. it was a thrill.
I thought at least he would want to exchange numbers after he tried to put it in my bum
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
hes a soccer player too.. you'd think he has better penis eye coordination
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
Um, would you be up for dick jousting? Stefanie is willing to pay 40 bucks.
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
I just had a sexting conversation using medieval jargon. I think he is a fine suitor.
I only want to come over for sex and blueberry pancakes
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
She's dancing around licking a fork of nutella. She is not sober.
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
Randomize
