It was great. Even bought me breakfast in the AM
From?
Well, he didn't exactly take me out, but left a $20 on the table...
After you took the handle off the bathroom door I had to coach the Scottish guy sitting on the toilet, throwing up in his own lap, how to put his pants back on. Yes, I think he won the drinking game.
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
He wasn't eating out, he was performing a hysterectomy without a license....should I be worried about my future family?
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
First highlight of the semester: campus safety caught me peeing in the dirt parking lot by kappa. Then as they were about to write me up, they recognized me, laughed, and left.
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
This makes me appreciate being single with no prospects.
i had to call him over, it was my last chance at getting some tonight
HE HAS A RESTRAINING ORDER AGAINST U!!!
it expires tomorrow
I just found your "it's drinking time" note in my chem notes. Why did this never happen??
I was waiting for you to find it...I'll be over in 5
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
Randomize
