When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
At least with the last gf I made it clear that I wanted to breakup when I pissed on her floor @ 3am as her roommate watched in contempt
I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
just got my tax refund and at bell. how do you say i want a grand worth of 5 layer burritos in spanish?
due to concerns over safety, the theme of the 'naked fondue party' has now been changed to the 'naked fondue party with optional apron' please b.y.o.apron. extra prizes for most creative apron.
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
i feel sorry that you can never enjoy the feeling of shaved balls
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
And I would just like to take the time to say my boobs look great today.
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
She said she was sober from drugs for a week. All I heard was Kenny Loggins singing Danger Zone.
It just makes sense. It's like I end a relationship, and wash myself of sin... with tequila.
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
Randomize
