I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
library dates and plan B? He is looking like a great catch.
the manly guy you want to date so badly? he's at the club. as a drag queen. wearing higher heels than you own. think about that.
I'll explain later but basically I was feeling dangerous, I'm dressed as Ann Romney and Ann Romney is a bad bitch.
i just had to pick up my 18 year old cousin from the police station for hosting a party, and i had to do this stoned wow
And then he said, "let's have sex and I'll send you home with enchiladas."
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
i was in class looking for a pencil and found a chicken strip in my back pack. i think i might have a problem.. sad thing is i ate it
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
Randomize
