You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
Hey. Did u tell any1 that I use Nuvaring?
Cuz 1 of ur bf's frat bros just asked me if I wanted to "play ring toss later"
i just googled the alphabet. i couldnt remember if it was jklomnop or jklmnop.
I think she's a little more wasted than usual. She just crawled on the floor to tell mom it was time to take a shot.
he/she has shaved legs and makeup on. but a spare tire stomach, high socks with high heels...a wig and glasses. and still talked like a man. it was a nightmare scenario
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
He got kicked out 3 times. I have no idea how he kept getting back in. I saw him walking on the highway the next morning.
The cops just came to this party I'm at and ate all of our snacks
Dude just crushed our bbq lays and told us to quiet down
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
The first thing he said was that my underwear smelled like Trix but then he looked up at me and whispered "Silly rabbit, vagina is for me."
screwing the intern at work sucks when u find out the boss is too. She is a smoking hot though
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
Randomize
