Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
just peed on the 7/11 floor and casually left. Omg so drunk
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
He was so good, that I'm pretty sure he fucked his religion into me. P.S. I'm Jewish now.
I blew him while he was standing up and he drooled on my head
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
I don't think I even want to know why you are sending my husband pictures of your nutsack.
As long as you don't want to make a shrine out of my eyelashes It's all good
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
It's like the dark age of my sex life being stuck here
"Let's do body shots off the freshmen" is officially the worst thing I've ever said.
He sent me a picture of Reese's peanut butter cups next to his dick. Of course I went over.
and it's like......my shirt is off and he's talking about quidditch. why.
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
Randomize
