the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
I feel like death gave me a hand job
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
He taught me where the gears in a five speed are with his penis.
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
I really dont wanna go to a traffic light party. I have nothing red to pretend I'm taken with. Without something red my "my girlfriend is away in the mines" story wont work.
Lets get drunk and then you just wraps me into a present because that sounds like fun after the past 3 glasses of wine I drank
Stay home. Ain't nothing out in these mean streets but plan b and regret
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
You had blacked out Skype sex? Wow we live in the future
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
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