nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
Now that the olympics are over we have no excuse for getting belligerently drunk for nationalism every night.
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
I really hope you are not drunk feeding a raccoon.
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
According to you, you were with your "Eskimo bro for life" last night.
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
You know you're doing college wrong when you have to bail your RA out of jail
Hell no. Last time I used a Slip N Slide I ended up with bruised ribs, a broken fence and the hatred of a half naked girl with a sprained wrist.
Idk I've taught my 18 month old how to say nipple so kids aren't all bad
Awake! can you bring me my pants...im under the couch
This reminds me of the time you were crying and puking in the toilet at that party while i did shots of tequila in between blow drying your feet. miss you!
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
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