I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
corn on the cob and anal lube are not substitutes for the real thing
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
So, during a 20 minute shower I spent 19 minutes spinning in circles and 1 minute licking the wall, and it was better than sex. I can't wait to do X again.
When the shrooms kicked in we both simultaneously realized we were not the right puzzle piece for the dubstep puzzle.
We made eye contact and were like we are not welcome here, the ravers are onto us and we need to get the fuck out before we get shuffled upon
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
It's not a good hook up if during you're thinking "how will this damage me psychologically"
Looks like a took a video of myself beating off and passed out last night. I'm classy.
YOU ARE THE WORST TRAVEL AGENT! THIS IS A SINGLES CRUSE FOR SENIORS. THEY ALL THINK IM THE FUCKING WAITRESS JUST CAUSE IM BLACK!!!
He's my favorite late night booty call. He lives next to a Wendy's.
March Madness means a buffet of emotionally vulnerable dick at the bars almost every night. So yeah my vagina and I are big fans.
OH MY GOD YOU GUYS I JUST FOUND OUT I HAD PHONE SEX THE OTHER NIGHT
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
He was about to go in...and he fell off the bed. Ruined mood!
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