Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
I remember saying "sorry" to the blunt before throwing it out the window
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
She just drank the vanilla extract. Again. AGAIN. No one should be that eager to get drunk.
It seems to me that once you begin comparing Jesus to hercules and calling him a super pimp you should put the wine away...
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
He started humming whilst eating me out. At first it was weird, but my new motto is now don't knock it before you've cum from it
Currently hot boxing a fort I made on our snow day... This is legendary
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
Had to leave my skype meeting to vomit. I'm obviously ready for the real world.
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
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