i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
Some fat girl belted her graduation gown. That is not a good look for anyone.
"Guy Time" translaed into 10 shots apiece and me waking up covered in my own blood.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to concentrate on legal issues with the ghost of his giant penis in me?
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
My New Year's resolution is to chill out on the group sex. At least with my friends anyway.
I've never had to say don't judge me for chip clips in the shower before
By the end of our first date my penis was pierced.
I passed out while searching "symptoms of narcolepsy"...
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
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