I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
she doesn't hate you. She just thinks you need a personality adjustment, speech therapy and weight watchers.
you should have heard her the other night. no sentence related to one preceding it. it was like she was in etch a sketch and when she moved she forgot everythin
I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
mondays should just be called national damage control day
I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
i'm pretty sure i'm on the same train we took last friday..
what?how do you know?
it appears they have not cleaned up your vomit yet.
I won the karaoke contest at the bar last night, when they called my name i was doing blow off the toilet seat, i thought they caught me, i didnt even know there wasa contest
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
NO HOOKUPS IN THE CAR. I will try as i might to practice what i preach, but there are no guarantees.
fuck you and your stupid hot as hell face
Great news. Our sex broke my otter box
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
i read his ps3 instant messaging thing... he's meeting a guy to have sex. i think your boyfriend's gay
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
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