So now everyone thinks I don't know what a condom is
Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
I'm still with the girl from last night. remember to call me conrad and that i work for PETA
He said he wouldn't use a condom because he didn't want to kill anymore trees.
My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
Exotic beer tasting at my apt right now and by that I mean I bought random beer and I'm drinking it on my balcony
I wish buying curtains was as easy as buying drugs. I already KNOW what I want and what the outcome will be: awesome.
Please put me on a plane and hypontize me into forgetting the little bit of last night that I do remember.
Not even official and he's cleaned my puke twice. His hotdog skills are an added bonus. I've got a keeper
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
You don't understand. This boy has the Mona Lisa of cocks.
Randomize
