This random guy asked me if I had downs. I was like up yours! And I got out of his car.
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
i just drank the rest of the vodka . Btw why did we put candy corn in it?
Quick question... Can I call you daddy? Or would that just really made the whole 8 year age gap a bigger deal...?
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
Dad had me doing shots of chocolate mint Everclear last night. I've never felt closer to him.
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
And he came by and picked me up. We cuddled in his car then had sex until... an officer doing his rounds put a spotlight on crazy haired, naked me straddling him.
Like he was inside me when I made eye contact with a police man.
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
Randomize
