If it makes you feel any better I'm plucking my mustahce and drinking. Alone.
dude so we were eating nacho cheese popcorn and chasing it with cole slaw
by the way nacho cheese popcorn is me making popcorn and then adding milk butter and mac n cheese mix
eww mummy girl is here...
what the fuckk. i just want to hold her down, wax her eyebrows, and give her some morals.
As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.
I'm going to pre plan my black out tonight. I think I'll set a change of clothes out on my bed and unplug the oven.
Dude sorry but it totally wasn't worth going back in there for yous shoes
This girl just swallowed a pealed banana whole. I'm not worthy.
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
It was an "I snuck in through the window at 5am with my underwear in my pocket" kind of night.
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
HE BEAT A GUY WITH NOTHING BUT RAZZLE DAZZLE AND HIS FABULOUSNESS
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
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