When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
My glasses smell like tequila. I just put them on and almost threw up.
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
I made a side by side comparison of her Facebook pic and the chick on the anti meth billboards. Plus a ven diagram showing mostly shared physical attributes. I sent u the PowerPoint. You were sufficiently warned.
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
I woke up with my wool blanket soaking wet on the dorm room floor, and my sweatshirt hanging on the shower door down the hall. So basically my camp-out-in-the-bathroom idea didn't turn out as planned
Everyone says she blew me in the bathroom, so I believe it, I just don't REMEMBER.
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
dude new orleans is fucking wild these two guys just performed dueling banjos except they were actually fighting with the banjos
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
Randomize
