Do u have any bacon or vodka by chance
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
it was great that she threw up because that made me the only one trying to hook up with her
whenever I think of his sister, I just picture a chick with a huge beard
All I remember from my 21st is crying because the bouncer made him put his shirt back on
Just slept with my boyfriend's roomie to learn if bf was cheating on me
Good plan. When in doubt, sleep about.
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
She came to the party with six kegs and a life sized portrait of Lavar Burton. SHE WILL BE MY WIFE.
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
I found him stumbling up to our building with a solo cup under his arm. . . He told me it was his favourite thing ever. He also told me hes never been drunk before.
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
Btw had an awesome time last night. Found some blood on my shirt and ear but I'll chalk it up to the tequila shots.
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
Ok, stop saying "youths." You're 23.
Lo siento on account of my penis...
Randomize
