BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
I didn't notice until this morning that he had a six inch RAT TAIL...
im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
we just did breakfast shots, I have a black eye and savage garden is on . Best weekend ever
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
My three rules on what I'm wearing tonight. Something short, something see through, and something i had sex in.
They left at like 4. I got up to help clean their house this morning and we found his pants. No ones heard from him, we're all a little scared.
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
Sometimes you gotta say "hey, its been a long semester. Let's puke before 10"
So stoned i forgot i was in bed
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
It's Christmas. You could splurge on something a LITTLE fancier than wine in a box.
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
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