What is the pluralization of human? I just got humen rejected, and I am going completely blank...
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
I saw someone get arrested while I was moving out...this has to be a good sign.
Just wrestled a cop. He won my shorts. I won my freedom. In fishnets and army boots. still headed to the party. would appreciate pants, but not necessary.
Idk. I'm naked in front of the computer eating ribs. All is right with the world.
That's so nerdy and hot at the same time.
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
I'm eating my emotions. I am no longer interested in anybody other than my own hand and vagina.
I mean he did ask and he said it's cold out but i didn't realize we were that comfortable hahaha sex is one thing but borrowing a sweatshirt?
Locking that text forever.
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
I've already come to terms that I'm gonna have to bone a few gross librarians, but hey, it's college
He stumbled out of the bathroom with his pants around his ankles yelling "tie my shooes!"
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
If Denver makes it to the Super Bowl I'll quit drinking. So I'm pretty much stocking up on booze
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
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