Denial is the first step to alcoholism…and I don't hate it
Approach what situation? Look, I dunno if you think I'm like some lezbo cheetah waitin in some shrubs to pounce on you the second I see you, but I'm not!
well, everyone in my office is getting a nice laugh right now. But seriously... please delete my number
How the hell can the Olympic committee frown so much on weed and yet put on a show you would have to be high to actually enjoy?
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
I swiped a lunchable and a gatorade from my one night stand's fridge, does it count as a date now since a meal was included?
For some reason I just don't think you going to the gay bar alone on thanksgiving is a good idea.
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
Yea he doesn't really know about any of this yet but my game plan is to keep wowing him with my vagina and cooking skills. It's up too future me to handle the rest.
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
How did "late lunch" turn into 8 solid hours of drinking??? I feel like death.
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
All I'm saying is that if you have time for a 20 min shower bj you have time for me
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
No. It's going to be "I'm mad that it took you so long to get over here" angry sex.
Randomize
