I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
Will you still be my friend if I read and enjoyed Twilight?
No
I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
Just saw the homeless asian lady making a hispanic man pull her shopping cart with a harness. I love Boston.
She's doing shots in her underwear, a fur hat and mittens. I'm never coming home.
A guy wearing a hard hat while floating the river. It's the most responsible drinking we saw all day.
I'm at the point in my life where I'm trying to get guys I've fucked to give a ride to guys I'm going to fuck.
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
Moral of the story: I had sex to Back to the Future last night.
You have talents. You got me laid two weekends in a row in two different cities.
Literally I can feel my heart beat in my vagina because of how sore I am
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
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