i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.
Dude i think i got lasagna in my eye
youre not allowed to be friends with girls ive double teamed. period.
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
We're doing it in the traditional way of discussing why we dislike each other while sharing a bowl. Just like the natives do.
Unless you're gonna start buying my underwear, you have got to stop ripping it off of me.
I just remembered something. Did we really all flash the cab driver to get half off?
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
People were wondering why I started hanging out with him after high school, the simple answer is now that I don't see his dorky ness everyday I can just focus on his amazing penis.
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
She started crying, nearly punched a guy, started smoking multiple cigarets backwards and broke the slide on her bong. Why do I always end up babysitting the crazy ones?
He ate me out while I stood on his bed drinking a Rainier.
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