i'm so hungover...i might vomit in a handbag instead of selling them
My Higher Power is John Stamos
I admire the strength of friendship we have that allows for sharing husbands.
absolutely not. he will always be that kid that threw up a ham and cheese sandwich in fourth grade to me.
my cup is half full, half full of rum.
Can you explain to me how i got kicked out of a bar last night, from outside the bar?
The port-a-pottys are knocked over so I have nowhere to sleep.
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
When he goes down on me, he stares me in the eyes like a shark mocking it's prey as it devours it. Plus, his beard smells like dirty gym socks. This has got to end.
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
TOPLESS DRIVE THRU! I have no money and my dignity is at an all time low.
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
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