I'm peeing chunks and puking liquid. Did I at least have fun last night?
I think I just saw the travelocity gnome in leather chaps.
Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
We're 3 acts into this drag show and we've already run out of Lady Gaga songs.
in the car goin home for fam dinner and he is silent... i think he realized how big of a whore his little sister is
I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
I'm at a free clinic. Feel like I should cough or sneeze so it's not blatantly obvious I'm getting checked for STI's.
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
Let me rub your butt and eat French fries from your mouth and dip them in your ketchup filled belly button.
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
Please don't buy a buttplug. It won't fill the empty space in your heart.
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
Randomize
