what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
only you would photoshop your dick
Would it be a dick move to report the suite next-door for a noise violation? They're singing Bad Romance off-key and I'm not sure if I can allow that.
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
Hey. Be honored that I consider you the genital expert. I know alot of candidates for the position.
Youre the drunk baby that everyone wants to take care of.
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
Is there a word in the English dictionary for impressed, yet disgusted?
I think the word you're looking for is flabbergasted.
Is there a polite/non-lush way to ask how alcohol ranks on their list of priorities? Because like idk how to break the ice furreal.
Being a slave to ur dick is exhausting.
He fell asleep cradling my ass and every time I moved he adjusted his hand accordingly. I've found the one.
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
we can no longer cook chicken in the house. his name is herbert, we are keeping him and can not eat his people in front of him.
Why yes, I DID want cramps for Christmas, how did you know God?
Randomize
