im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
and then you started talkingabout how you wish birth control was disspensed as a candy necklace
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
I saw pigeons eating ur dried up puke today. Last night was fucking great
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
I just need to stop hanging out with girls who drink wine coolers.
My life has come to reading articles about dating an ex heroin addict. I'm doing well.
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
Randomize
