So apparently I told him I was off to go "whore skipping" and I disappeared into the night skipping down the street. I know this because there's video.
i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
Is it appropriate to get drunk, stand up at the wedding and make a toast to "the time the lovely bride asked me to come on her chest"?
our generation is not ready to get married
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
This might be the most awkward night of my life. And I had someone pee on me once.
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
Printing the vagina inspector badge was money well spent.
Came to from my blackout with native american warrior facepaint on I'm too old for this shit
The facepaint not the blacking out
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
I also turned off the Anchorman DVD start menu before cause I didn't want Will Ferrel watching me lose my virginity.
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
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