The Lord gave Farrah Fawcett 1 wish when she died. She wished that all children in the world would be safe! The Lord granted her wish and killed Michael Jackson.
He lasted like 30 seconds. With a condom. I just expected more from the president of a frat.
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
Chasing shots by shotgunning beers is not a good idea.
Earned the respect of a group of freshman by chugging Das Boot while hanging out a window and lost it shortly after by wrecking a clown bike into them.
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
Is buying her a loofah for my house commitment like? I don't wanna give the wrong idea
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
She was wearing some slutty variation of a toga and giving the entire bus a pep talk on why we should black out tonight...I'M IN LOVE AND I DON'T CARE WHO KNOWS IT!
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
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