it was like my fingers were behind enemy lines
hey, when you wake up, search yourself on youtube
my sister already found it, were watching it right now. i give it 2 thumbs up.
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
we were boning in the bathroom when her boyfriend came upstairs. I wish i could remember what happened next more clearly, because it had to have been hilarious
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
Not genetic. He's drunk and texted me a dick pic. Not genetic. Thank God!
It's truly amazing how much porn I can get in while my phones at 1% battery life.
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
He's like a sexy bearded lumberjack who likes wine.. I can't lose..
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
Randomize
