i may or may not have puked on your loofa in the shower.
woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
whenever I think of his sister, I just picture a chick with a huge beard
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
Checked out the free sonogram van on campus and got a free DVD of my sweet food baby.
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
KNEE DEEP IN HOES. SEND HELP.
His name is Dustib. Not a typo. I just can't.
While we were having sex he asked me if I wanted to get wingstop after. I think I found my future husband.
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
Your vagina is not a steamboat from the 1800's
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
Why do I always have at least 8 men with whom I am conducting some sort of poorly planned love experiment?
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
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