I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
Bar. Show boob. Just one. Free drinks. Instant friends
Guys only need one. Little known secret. You're welcome.
I wonder if she has a lisp when she orgasms...
At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
Yes i believe i did use that word. It culminated in a man wearing a corset thigh highs and stripper shoes. All mine btw.
right before he busted, he moaned the british are coming.
only on the fourth of july.
They just kept handing me shots and saying welcome to college
When you put it that way it sounds like my vagina is a parking garage to be monitored by security guards
Just getting in the shower.... found a "great job" sticker stuck to my boob.
So how was your night?
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
I told him I was on the pill and it was OK to fire away. I want to never have to wear panty house or ever go to an office again. This is my early retirement plan. I want half of his NBA money.
Ok so I'm not gonna ignore the fact that you had sex on a frat basement floor and spent the last 4 years wondering how you got HPV
About the whale....I wasn't completely awake.
Randomize
