Who haven't you slept with?
No one comes to mind.
Just got booed while taking a piss and asked if I 'call that a penis.' Get me the fuck out nf yankee stadium.
I just saw a kid drop his lollipop on the floor of best buy, kick it because he was pissed off and then pick it up and eat it. I think I have a long lost son.
he fucked me so hard my future children felt it
Acid flashbacks - fact or fiction? Have been seeing a surprising amount of sparkly shit this afternoon...
We decided I could make bicurious-jitos or ho-meh-jitos or heteroflexible-jitos. But not homojitos.
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
Steve just broke his bong and some kid in an american flag bathing suit and no shirt just fell down the stairs. Its dangerous here
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
bad night - i tried for naughty librarian but could only manage to pull off pissed off barrista.
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
im tired of guys just wanting to hook up with me. im like, guys, i know im pretty and i have a slammin bod and i love making out, but cant someone treat me with respect??
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