Haven't eaten in 11 hrs. I am gonna have so much material to talk about with anorexic girls now
Seriously, I'm delusional. Idk how these models even walk on the runway
Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
you called me and cried until i agreed to record a rap about our lives with you
Nothing like a $37 iTunes bill. Jesus Christ do you know how many $2 beer/shot specials that is??? The answer is 16. 16 beer/shot specials.
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
You'd be surprised how many calories hedonism burns.
Stop thinking your God dude. You passed out. God doesn't pass out...
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
Twist bend and done? Jesus that sounds like a seventh grade hand job.
He suffocated between her tits, but she didn't notice because he still came.
I have one goal now that I am in the USA. To find a man I can fuck into marriage before my visa runs out.
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
it's 1:30pm and i'm eating cheese while i sext. i need hobbies
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
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