There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
The streak lives on, still havent been to Towson without throwing up
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
I like how you try to look sexy and just end up looking like a weird boy.
Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing
Aqua-barf. When you are about to puke in the toilet but pass out face first instead...and then puke. WITH YOUR FACE IN THE BOWL. There is no escaping the puke ring you have on your face. I know first hand.
I just threw in a dip with a guy that superglued his fake tooth back in today. My life is complete.
On way back. With a shopping cart. Minimal casualties.
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
She shoved her hand down my pants and held my cock for thirty minutes in the bar. It was like she was letting all the other females know I was hers.
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
so, i take that as a legit invitation into his pants
I have so much to do, no motivation, and Harry Potter is on. You KNOW whats taking priority in my life right now
Randomize
