I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me.
I didn't think it was possible but there may actually be TOO MANY pictures of me tagged shotgunning.
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
You're not stopping till I see you on the ground trying to hold on to shit
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
WHY did you say no to the sex seance?
You know you are 86'd from the legacy right? You can't down shots then spike the shot glass
Some toppless girl just walked past me in the hall and gave me half a carton of smokes. I have never been more aroused.
I think there is a legit party going on the place we thought was AA
I told him he could fuck me in his Notre Dame jersey if they won and he never texted back. What is this world coming to
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
Randomize
